When Michael Jackson said he's "looking at the man in the mirror", he meant the one-way mirror in his bedroom.

The best getaway van? Ativan.

Blind man: You seem angry.

Friend: I am angry.

Blind man: What is does anger look like?

Friend: This again?

Poker Advice: 

The blind man can't be bluffed and when he takes off his sunglasses, he has weird creepy eyes.

Slacker horror movie: The Shrugging

The smartest man is the man who knows that he knows nothing, unless he is retarded.

Once, I was the world's youngest person.

The other day I was at my laptop listening to music on my mp3 player. It got too loud and I tried to use the laptop volume control to lower the mp3 player volume. Hilarious, right? Ok, I made that up. For the true story, replace "mp3 player" with "wife" and "volume control" with "life support".

Know-it-all Alex Trebek's comedy bit: "I know what the deal is with airline food."

Have you ever gone back and watched clips of He-Man and G.I. Joe on youtube? It turns out that as children, we were all gay.

Jobs where only bad things come at you:

Goalie 

911 Operator

Customer Service

Tech Support

Woman

Alex Trebek is retiring from Jeopardy… What are things I don't care about?

Battle of the chins: Jay Leno vs China

Average age of someone who enjoyes watching MMA: 21
Average age of someone who enjoyes watching baseball: 45
Average age of someone who enjoyes watching golf: deceased

Bank statement, you are boring and depressing… that is a shreddable offence.

Whenever John Travolta appears in a G-rated movie, they should blur out his chin.

"Clap if you hate audience participation!"

Battle of the Smells: Homeless guy nutsack or Whoopi Goldberg?

Do you know what is worse than Hitler? ME NOT WINNING THIS ARGUMENT.

Is this a bad sign? Visa called me saying that they noticed I hadn't been to the liquor store this week and could I confirm my identity.

FOR SALE: INVISIBLE SPY PEN

You send me $75 cash, I send you one genuine 100% invisible spy pen. It will be sent in a plain manilla envelop without a return address. Be careful when you open it that the invisible pen doesn't fall out or you may not be able to find it again.

Proof that it works:



* Note: Invisible spy pen reading glasses sold separately ($200).

Name for a lesbian club: The Lunch Box

Me saying, "Taste my fireballs, you frost troll!" makes perfect sense if you are playing Skyrim. Unfortunately, I said it to my wife while role-playing in the bedroom.

What do Dr. Dre and Dr. J have in common? They both got their medical degrees from the University of Phoenix.

"I have to go do rounds."
Doctor or chubby chaser?

"This is your 5am wake up call."*
- Dangerbaby

*Note: Actually wording was "WAHHHHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHHHH"

I finally figured out beer commercials. They shot as if you are looking through beer goggles. There's a party everywhere you go and all the girls are hot and interested in you and your pants are bone dry.

Oh Dangerbaby, why do you need to wake up at 4am? Is because you resent my skills?

Unfortunate unintended pun: "Pencil me in for some sex tonight."

Unless you are a cannibal, the expression "battered wife" doesn't make any sense.

Let's stop using prejudiced and racist words.
Examples:
JEWDICIOUS "That lawyer is really jewdiscious with his money."
MANHOLE "Only a real man's man can enter a manhole."
BLACK "The Pontiac Aztek is black."