You know that fat chick from Precious? I hear she going to star in a new romantic comedy. Playing both of the lead parts… at once.

Blue Romance review:
A realistic portrayal of a relationship? That’s not going to sell engagement rings and the sanctity of marriage.

How Kevin Smith (Clerks, Chasing Amy, Dogma) should be introduced for all interviews:
“It has been almost two years since this gentleman last moistened our studio….”

How to seduce women! Only $19.95* (*not a offer to solicit prostitution)

100% real conversations using my techniques:

woman: I find chocolate to be the most sensual food
man: yeah?
woman: totally
man: here's some chocolate
woman: whoops, my pants just fell off

woman: do you like art?
man: do you mean like batman comics and paintings of space?
woman: yes
man: I guess so
woman: whoops, my pants just fell off

At what age did we lose the ability to projectile vomit? Because this wedding is b-o-r-i-n-g.

I feel the same way about marriage that I do about Valentine's day. The thought is nice, but it's always been corrupt. A marriage shouldn't be based on romance, expectations from society, land ownership, or religion. It should be based on important things like compatibility, routine, convenience, and certain tax advantages I've recently found out about.

Apparently in the olden days all the good writers had these elaborate correspondences with each other.
Shakespeare: Get over yourself, Milton.
Milton: Hey Shagsbeard, me thinks your shirt is a little too puffy, you know what I'm saying? Ding a ling ling....
Chaucer: I have written 24 tales about you two shutting up.

Do you ever trash talk your toilet? You like that don't you, yeah, take it, take it all, you dirty bowl! So in answer to your question, no, I don't have any relevant work experience.

Stalker or private detective? Isn't that just a matter of opinion? Let's just agree to disagree, Betty.

I overheard this chick say "amscray" and I asked her what is Pig Latin? She asked me what I thought it was. I said that apparently it is the language of ugly girls.

Blue Romance review:
Wonderful date movie. If you are in the mood for love, watch this movie with your sweetheart. Bring your dog too!
(Note: To save time, I only watched every other scene.)

Inception review #3:
So we are to believe that these people can create any dream world they want. They can enter the dream completely consciously and do anything in it, but all they end up doing is their jobs?

Valentine’s day card:
“I hope the pressure of this made-up holiday doesn’t make me suck in bed.”

If you are the kind of person who always has your guard up, it probably means you have something pretty interesting inside that’s worth guarding. Stool?

Florida is America’s wang. Quebec is Canada’s weird misshapen tumor.

Inception review #2:
You know how you can never remember your dreams? Yes? So you aren’t a character in Inception.

The King's Speech review #2:
Speech pathologist lies to his wife about who he is helping. But it's ok because she's only a woman.

Inception review:
So that girl from Juno didn't give up the baby? I'm so confused.

The Tourist review:
Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp run around a lot and suck.
(Disclaimer: I haven't seen the movie.)

Instead of outsourcing, why can't corporations use another cheap source of non-union labor? The crack-whore.

This girl said to me that’s its too bad that women can’t be competitive with men when it comes to sports. I said that that’s not true if you consider cooking and cleaning “sports”. Later, I felt bad for that comment because she thought I was kidding.

Why do women with big boobs complain about also having bigger hips and butts than women with small boobs? Its all about proportion. Like the size of her boobs is proportionate to the amount I pretend to care about her opinions.

Women are like cars. They weigh a lot and crash into things.

Buried review:
2010 indie film with a unique premise. Directed by Rodrigo Cortes. Stars Heath Ledger.

If they gave Shakespeare’s King Lear a modern title, it would be: The Complete Idiots Guide to Estate Planning.