Things you can’t take across the border into the USA:
Bombs
Al-Qaeda
Gay Marriage
The word “black”
Irony

Donald Rumsfeld has been doing the interview tour for his new book. He's actually somewhat charismatic. I liked it better when bad guys were more easily identifiable. They twisted their mustaches and said things like, "You DARE defy ME!" And then evilly laughed, "Mu ha ha ha!". Also they were animated.

A month ago I tried that P90X workout. They really need to come out with P4X or 5X.

Wife: I had such a hard day at work.
Me: Yeah?
Wife: Everyone there is always trying to get out of doing their jobs...
Me: Uh, shouldn't we discuss this over dinner?
Wife: What?
Me: Why don't you do YOUR job and make me dinner and B-L-O-W ME!!!
[Note: I'm Mel Gibson]

Things to look for in a girlfriend:
1. Calluses on her knees.

Rules of Old Man Club:
1. Don't talk about Old Man club.
2. Get off my lawn.
3. I forget.

What was the name of that actor who played Star Jones in Precious? Marlon Brando.

When the crazy guy on the roof yells out, "Beware the yellow rain!" You better not look up.

Sometimes when the wife goes out, I let the itinerary go to HELL!

The fact that I use a lot of ChapStick doesn’t make me any less of a man, what does is the WAY I use it.

When I eat some delicious fried food I get that “urge”... You know the one, where the Mexican dogs are barking and my stomach hurts and I feel the pressure and the countdown begins… I stop, and think, “What would Gandhi do?" And so I put on a diaper, meditate, and peacefully shit my pants.

Have you ever watched Jersey Shore? These idiots will do anything to be famous. Yes, yes… they are laughing all the way to the bank. But that’s because it’s a club called “Bank” and they are high on cocaine.

3/14 is pi day. How decadent that lesbians celebrate it too.

America: I heard you tried to kill yourself
Teen: I did
America: Pills?
Teen: Gun
America: Phew, at least you aren’t on drugs.

Animal Kingdom review:
Australian mob movie where the action and violence is understated and not one member of the crime family is morbidly obese. Why do other countries even bother making movies?

I bet that in the next ten years there will be a lot of Japanese movies made about earthquakes and tsunamis, just like after the Godzilla attacks of the 1940's.

You may have a drinking problem if you’ve ever thought to yourself, “I need to sober up... I should switch to beer”.

Over/under on how many barrels of Gatorade it will take to cover Rex Ryan if the Jets ever win the Superbowl: 3

You know that guy in Silence of the Lambs whose face was ripped off and used by Hannibal Lecter as a skin mask to escape the FBI… I bet that guy doesn’t think imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Punch me once, shame on you. Punch me twice, shame on me. Punch me three times, I should probably just stop resisting arrest.

So the Oscars are over and King's Speech won over The Social Network. The ironic thing is that if the king had social media, he wouldn't need to give speeches. He could just twitter "Hitler neads 2 b stoped. Tots troll. England, we now @ War! U mad, Jerry?"