Alberta: Where gay cowboys prance about in the spirit of tolerance!

I have to admit, I thought this internet thing was going to be a fad. Just like rap music and women's rights.

"I had the worst day at work."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"It all started when...."
"No, you misunderstand. Shut up."

Most people’s concept of art is ridiculous. You do something you enjoy and someone else comes along and calls it art. Art isn’t art just because someone will pay for it. Art isn’t relativistic or quantifiable. True art is when you take the restraining order out on you and you make a cool origami swan out of it.

You can’t take life too seriously, there is humour to be found in everything. Why not just laugh when you caught me taking money out of the UNICEF box? Its really quite funny, because I’m stealing from the poor. How did they get any money?

They say horse racing is “the sport of kings”. Do you know what is really the sport of kings? Being born a king.

I overheard some chick say “Amscray.”
I asked, “What is Pig Latin anyway?”
She asked me what I thought it was.
I said, “Apparently it’s the language of ugly girls.”

So I have this Mandible Doctor friend, let’s call him Grand-pa Gut for the sake of anonymity, who once said, “Screw you all! I’m ten times better than all of you.” And he was right.
Because we all need to get better at playing Rush on the toilet.

Movie Trailer: Imagine a world where you sit down and watch a movie. This is such a movie.

Throughout history, the famous poets have written flowery phrases with meticulous meter about grandiose ideas, all to impress women. And why? Because they were bad at sports.

Hot Ensign: Is that a phaser in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Kirk: It's Romulan VD. We need to talk.

I had a same-sex partner in high school. In Chemistry class. His name was Lance.

Writing things down on your hand is a good way to remind you to do things, especially if what you are trying to remember is to wash the ink off of your hand.

How do you freak out a computer programmer?
Open the blinds a little.

Think about the guy the guy who mops up sperm at a porno theater. He must have the most messed up sex life. Every time he orgasms, he thinks “Oh Christ... here we go again.”

Gay saying: "Time flies when you're having fudge."

I tell my Literature Professor that “I write good”. He says “no, you write well”. So I pull out my gun and shoot him in the spine. I shoot good too.

I am offended by the term "African American" because I am neither African nor American.

"Hold me closer Tony Danza..." because I'm Elton John and very, very gay.

Richest men in the world:
Bill Gates
Warren Buffet
Jonathan Google
Bob iPhone

If a woman invites you to a shower, it could be the sexiest thing ever or the worst thing ever. Either way, it's best to show up naked and "ready".

There needs to be a way to acknowledge people you run into without actually having to stop and make small talk. Like people you work with. You see them 5 days a week, but if you run into them on the weekend, you feel compelled to stop and chat. We should be able to just say, "Meh?" and if they have nothing new or important to say, they respond, "Meh." Then we both go on with our days. Ah crap, there is no joke here.... Men wearing dresses! Can you imagine?

Where does a pirate sell his booty?
eBay, I guess.

Name: Danger Bin
Superpower: Conscientiousness

RPG taunts:
Ranged attacks? Isn’t that just another way of saying lady-attacks?

Ladies, answer this question.

My favorite sexual position is:
A. Missionary.
B. Doggy.
C. Cowgirl.
D. Reverse-cowgirl.
E. Suspicious.

If you and your woman haven't done it in awhile, do not try to explain to her that it's time you "get back on the horse".