The solution to all social problems is:
A. More government spending on social programs.
B. Less government spending on social programs.
C. Legalize drugs, tax them, and spend it on social programs.
D. Some vague notion about what NOT to do.

Just because a monkey could do my job, doesn’t mean he should.

Religious people are too judgmental.
That’s why they suck.

I bet they don’t serve chili on submarines.

"Do you work here?"
"Not really, I'm union."

Best job in the porn industry?
The penis.

If it's ok to tell black jokes if you are black, and gay jokes if you are gay, does that mean it's ok to tell murder jokes if you are a murderer? Let's talk about it further. Get in my van.

If there really were dragons, you'd all be begging me for advice.

Sometimes when we touch.
The honesty's too much.
And I have to close my eyes.
Because you're really a dude.

The secret to finance is getting big enough that your horrible immorality is well diversified.

Preggo wife asks, "How do I look in these pants?"
"Uh....."
"You're a jerk."
"I didn't say anything yet."
"Well?"
"You look like a bucket of crap."

You should drink 8 cups of water a day?
Why?
It dilutes the crazy.

Fun people-spotting game: Gay or European tourist?

I can fly. But only downwards, and in a straight line.

True Stories of Danger Bin
What is more disturbing: that I was watching Community on my laptop while sitting on the toilet, or that Mrs. Danger Bin didn't believe that was really what I was doing in there?

Incest is relative.

Dental health: the British < meth addicts

Beware the one-eyed sniper.

If Apple made meth addicts, the first generation would have all their teeth.

Vancouver: Our hot, uptight women wear yoga pants!

Apparently, crows only fly in straight lines.

Bicycle couriers are the pigeons of the city. They go wherever they want and their excrement is white.

Vancouver: Come enjoy our mountains, hippies, and early bedtimes!

You know, you don't always have to choose between sleep and sex. You could combine them. Here, take this pill.

You're a comedian? Tell me a... story about your terrible childhood.

In the game of RISK, as in the game of life, fortune does not favour the bald.

The movie THOR is coming out soon. Will it be as awesome as Batman, or as terrible as Batman?

I sampled eight beers. Now I need to sample some Tylenol and a toilet plunger.