I'm 100% okay if my son turns out gay, as long as he is a top.

Do health conscious cannibals avoid eating Native Americans?

Performance enhancing drugs:
Steroids
Human Growth Hormone
Viagra
The eye of the tiger

Now more than ever, Roger Ebert hates the movie Face Off.

If Apple made prostitutes, the first generation wouldn't have any holes.

Beer Commercial:
A fat bald guy is holding a beer and watching TV. He looks over. His fat hate-filled wife is sitting next to him on the couch. He takes a sip of beer and looks over again. She is slightly less fat.

Surviving the zombie apocalypse makes for an awkward family reunion.

Bruises are nature's way of saying, "no means no".

T-shirt with a pocket = touch of class

The Social Network review:
That Facebook guy acts like every corporation in America, but apparently he's some big douchebag because he's also socially awkward.

I wonder how you’d get technological superiority in warfare if you were a monkey? I bet you’d eat a lot of Mexican food.

George Takei disproved that theory that there is no oxygen in space because he was FLAMING.

Ghandhi finally made it cool to wear an adult diaper.

A fun way to scare yourself is to look into a mirror, turn off the lights, and make scary face. Then turn on the lights really fast and look at yourself. Holy sh*t! I’m in a car accident!

Things it's only okay to say in a bar:
"Can I eat your nuts?"
"Are you done with that stool?"
"I want to f*ck a bear." (gay bar only)

Tai Chi is best martial art for fighting people under water.

Internet dating streamlines the dating process. By using their “compatibility algorithms” you can be set up with any number of matching fatties.

How was the restaurant last night? It had the flavours of West Coast cuisine, with the repercussions of Indian.