I just ate a bunch of mexican food and pond water. It's time to go streaking!
After your wife has had a baby and you think it's time to start having sex again, take some advice from me, do not use the expression "get back on the horse".
When older people give me a present, they expect me to send them a thank you note. So really they are giving me something I have to do. That's not a present. That's fascism.
Everyone you know is dying. Every second is one second closer to their deaths. So in a way I am correct when I think "I am killing you".
How do people who work at a wiener factory ever have a serious conversation?
I bet the worst pick-up line at a swinger’s club is “Got a minute?”
They had to call it “Walker, Texas Ranger” because if they called it “Chuck Norris” all the bad guys would have fled to Canada and Chuck would just mope around. It would still be the best show ever made.
My nose 0
Homeless guy on train 1
Hot Coffee review:
I want to sue the documentary for showing me pictures of the horrible burns on that old woman's lady bits.
"The moon landing was crying out for a 'Who's on first' bit."
- Network TV
If in the 90's I said, "Black people are ignorant." It would make both black people and racist white people happy.
Is it rude if you ask to skip the massage part of a massage?
She puked again and was making little mewing noises.
"Sorry," she said quietly, continuing to heave.
"That's ok," I said. "I've always wanted to know what it would be like to date a supermodel."
Freddie Mercury probably has the best voice in the history of rock. Makes you wonder how he took care of his throat. And that makes you feel weird.
Is it even possible to get paler than I already am? I just got an HD TV so we are about to find out.
I'm glad they are remaking Conan, because I felt like the last one left so many unanswered questions.
How to be a cowboy:
1. Get some tight jeans.
2. Chew tobacco.
3. Make out with dudes.
Put your junk in a tux. JunkTux brand codpieces. Grab yourself some class.
10 People + 1 Bathroom + Korean Tacos = Game of Thrones
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Also, an erection.
I Am Comic review:
Jim Gaffigan's goddamn hot pockets bit! Pure comedy gold! Also, comedians lives are sad.
"Ouch!" - Shaquille O'Neal's love life
The Lincoln Lawyer review:
Matthew McConaughey is in a decent movie. Hollywood has a heart attack and dies.
Japan: "Where were the wave-punching robots when we needed them?"
Car Commercial:
Man driving car with its windows down.
A black guy approaches the passenger window and says, "Nice car."
Car speeds away, peeling out.
Announcer says, "Zero to safety in 4.6 seconds."
Limitless review:
Bradley Cooper plays a genius. Greatest acting job ever.
Maybe the real reason all the conservative politicians are against gay marriage is because it reduces the number of single gay guys to have methy sex with.
I have two questions about your wedding:
1. Is there an open bar?
2. Should I bring my own Tupperware or...?
Imagine you have a gun with only 2 bullets and you are alone in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and George W Bush.... who do you have sex with?
I started eating eggs again, by which I mean giving cunnilingus to my wife during her period.
