Have you seen Roger Ebert lately? Now I know why he liked Mask so much.

My father came to this country with nothing but the clothes on his back, a dream, and fifty dollars... He took that fifty dollars and bought a prostitute and I was born.

Cool lower back tattoo for ladies:
"NOT A SLUT"
(make the "u" look like a vagina)

Meeting Agenda:
1. Downsizing
2. Pizza!!!

This whole neutrino faster than light thing… I doubt it.

They called him "The Streak" because he ate a lot of Korean tacos and was a nudist.

Homeless guy living in a van or professional surfer?

Which of these heavy metal band names are real:
Bolt Thrower
Serpent Chucker
Doomsday & the Wicked Bunch
Eggfart
Your Mom
Hurricane Bitch
Carcass
Puke
Four Great Friends

(Answer: If it isn't Stryper, it isn't metal.)

True or false: Workers are grinding outside my office window right now.

It's important to tweet your every thought because I might, for an instant, forget why I loathe you.

Fat guy's ass crack = ok on TV
Hot chick's ass crack = censored

Albinos must get so many chicks because of this vampire craze. They are so lucky.

Oprah can visit any country on earth by leaning over.

This is you.
[Picture of you]
This is you on meth.
[Picture of you standing on meth, all high and gross.]

Back in university, I sold my 1984 Volkswagen Rabbit for beer money... one beer.

Oprah's inner angel needs to stop eating donuts and french fries.

When I was a teenager, I had a bad sexual dry spell. No matter the level of my half-elf wizard or how many times I rolled the dice, I could not enchant a girl into having sex with me.

Single man roulette:
1. Go to youtube.
2. Click a video on the side bar.
3. Close eyes.
4. Click through videos randomly.
5. Open eyes.
6. Attempt to masturbate to the video.

Star Jones: Would you take a bullet for me?
Mr. Jones: Yes... I'd happily shoot myself in the head.

Would it be possible to have a secret agent eat a certain combination of chemicals which would be processed in his gut to create a powerful toxin that he could fart, incapacitating or killing all those around him? Because if so, I'm pretty sure I should patent something right now.

Jaws made you terrified of the water.
Psycho made you terrified of the shower.
Shark Night 3D will make you terrified of horrible 3D movies.

Jobs that suck:
Window washer at Curves
Donald Trump's douche cleaner
Carpentry assistant to Thor
Freddie Mercury's mustache
Audience member at The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Jay Leno
Any job where you have to pretend Jay Leno is funny or relevant
Same thing for Whoopi Goldberg (she is just horrible)
Kirstie Alley's pants

Should that place where middle aged women exercise really be called "Curves"? Isn't too many curves the problem? It should really be called "Whale Watchers".

The #1 cause of divorce: marriage.

I believe that marriage is the union of one attention-whore and one woman.

If you are pro-life (and who isn't?) how can you believe that it's ok to abort a baby in the case of incest or rape. It's either a life or it isn't. The baby didn't do anything wrong. It's not like the baby had sex with its own mother. But what if it did… Whoa, I just came up with Inception 2.

Björn is Swedish for gay.

Thor review:
Invincible blond superhunk has god-like powers and ends up with Natalie Portman... so I did have a chance with her.

"Can I have a taste of your beer? Don't worry, I've never had a cold sore in my life."
"Maybe I have."
"Have you?"
"No."
[Takes a sip of my beer]
"...not on my face."

"I'm very gay and I want to smack your balls around, Gary."
- Man in the 1940's playing billiards