You are never too old for naked air guitar, officer.

Captain America review:
A power cube from Odin's man-cave gives Agent Smith a major case of Jersey Shore face.

I hope Andy Rooney doesn't die, because the world needs to know the list of things that are in his field of vision.

Drive review:
Albert Brooks is hilarious. Another comedy masterpiece!

Best movie villains of all time:
Darth Vader
HAL 9000
Hannibal Lector
The Joker
The Environment
Shia LeBeouf
Titanic
Jennifer Aniston's acting

Apparently my subconscious is a passive-aggressive douche. Yesterday I was at the doctor's office and the receptionist was being rude to people. She was one of these women who was a bit overweight but hiding it pretty well. As I was standing there waiting for her, and without realizing it, I started loudly humming, "Big Girls Don't Cry".

The new Paul Reiser show premiered on April 14. It was cancelled on April 13.

If you push a kid down and take his ice cream, you are teaching him how fun it is to be surprised!

Hey, I just figured out why Michael Jackson grabbed his crotch so much when he was on stage. He was looking out on a sea of children.

To create the perfect cologne, it would have to capture the essence of freedom with undertones of boobies.

He had dreadlocks. Or to put it another way, he was unemployed.

Movie:
Boy meets girl
[Falling in love montage]
Boy chases girl
[Courtship montage]
Boy gets girl
[Love montage]
Boy loses girl
[Sad montage]
Boy gets girl back
[Happily ever after montage]
Total movie length: 2 hours

Paralysis of analysis:
Battle of the fatal flaws
Hamlet vs Peeping Tom
Hamlet takes advice from ghosts, but…
Peeping Tom gets caught by the police and WINS!!!

Steven Soderbergh has hired women to play the lead in his last two movies who have little or no acting experience. Gina Carono is from MMA and Sasha Grey is from porn. That begs the question: who has taken more shots to the face?

Beer Commercial:
Occupy Wall Street. One of the protesters gets fed up and leaps a fence, breaks into a fancy building, takes a high speed elevator to the top floor, storms past the hot young secretary (who follows him), kicks in the CEOs office door (very expensive-looking office), moves right past the shocked CEO (old bald white guy), opens his bar fridge and takes out a beer. He opens it, looks at the secretary, winks to the camera and says, "Who has time for protesting? Let's party!!!"

I've been a PC gamer for most of my life, but I just got an Xbox and I want to take gaming to a whole new level: horizontal.

"Enter a colon." Life advice or grammar lesson?

Arrested Development is coming back?!! I could not, as a person who enjoys good things, be any more excited unless Nathan Fillion was somehow involved. Perhaps he could play a love interest.. for the audience. Tea for dong? Not needed, my friends. Not needed at all.

I would give up mouth-love from Kim forever, if she would agree to shut up.
- Mr. Kardashian, day 1 of marriage

Andy Rooney has retired? Now where am I going to get breaking news on stamps, shoe laces, and the shrinking size of soap?

Bridesmaids review:
Jon Hamm plays a hilarious womanizer. The supporting cast of actresses do an adequate job.

Will there be a time when kids think that the reason you call 911 for help is because of September 11th? It's like how idiots think it's spelled "Duck Tape".
(Note: It really is spelled "Duck Tape". Look it up, stupid.)

Volcano #1: I had the worst day.
Volcano #2: Don't blow your top.
Volcano #1: *groan* I hate you.
Volcano #2: …
Volcano #2: I slept with your wife.

Warf: Character on Star Trek The Next Generation. Named "Warf" because of the group of tiny invisible floating harbor seals who constantly crap on his forehead.

It is so damn humid in here that my farts are being weaponized.

Me: Why do we need such big towels?
Wife: To get me dry.
Me: I guess you have more to dry.
Wife: …
Me (with the save): Because you have more hair than me.

dangerbin.com's term of the day:
"Ass crack and nut sack"
Expression used to describe being naked.
Example: So I'm at the new community centre and I think I'm opening the door to the shower room, but instead it's a room full of seniors playing bingo. So I'm standing there ass crack and nut sack and this old lady yells out "Bingo!". You had to be there, bro. So funny.

Wheel of Fortune clue:

_ _ _ _ _ _

"This contestant wants to have sex with me, Pat Sajak."

You know that TV show about school projects… The Wire… they should make that mandatory viewing for all elementary school kids.

The worst thing that ever happened to my sex life was that the wife got laser eye surgery.

Corporate sponsorship of American language:
"Texas fatty"
"Costco sized snack"
"Kentucky Fried family"
"Pizza Hut gunt"