Getting offended by what someone says is just a way of getting the attention back on yourself, fatty.

Two racists walk into a bar. The first racist said,"Did you hear what happened down at the welfare office?" The second racist answered, "Yes."

I like classic films, such as Short Circuit, Dragonslayer, and Top Secret!

Teacher to kids: "You are all winners!"
Kids: "Yay!!!"
Teacher: "Or to be more specific, only one of you is the winner because that's what the word means."
Kids: "Yay!!!"

Psychiatrist to man: You have a social anxiety disorder.
Man: [Runs away]

Salary = Getting paid to take dumps at work

Growing up, I wanted to be a globe-trotting archeologist. But at least I had a back-up plan: power forward for the 1984 Boston Celtics.

Level 1 Nerd: Play Deus Ex on Xbox
Level 2 Nerd: Play Deus Ex on PC
Level 3 Nerd: Read the Deus Ex novel

Brain teaser: A man is on boat, lost at sea. He has enough water, shelter, and food. But still the boat sinks and he dies. Why?
Answer: The boat was full of holes because he was trying to have sex with it.

The 1% should not control our lives and government! We need to affect change! Or is it "effect change"? You "affect" something and have an "effect" on something… or is it the other way around… Oh forget it, call the whole thing off.

For real change... occupy a lobbyist, ladies.

T-Rex's are such sore losers at arm wrestling.

"Ring of Fire": Area around the Pacific Ocean where there are a large numbers of volcanoes or what happens when I eat korean tacos?

Rise of the Planet of the Apes:
I can accept a magic drug that makes apes as smart as humans, but sometime science fiction movies go to far… I cannot accept that James Franco is supposed to be a brilliant scientist.

List of yell actors:
Al Pacino
Jerry Stiller
Samuel Jackson
Donald Trump
Children
Other horrible actors

When did spam become a bad thing?

Dangerbaby's favorite baseball player: Albert Poo-Holes

The last Andy Rooney commentary: "What is with all this fire and heat? Who is paying for all of this? I see fire lakes… fire trees… fire rocks… fire pits… fire streams… fire skulls… fire men on fire… ha ha, I must admit that one made me chuckle… dogs on fire… people on fire… cats on fire… cows on fire… pigs on fire… horses on fire… chickens on fire… snakes on fire…"

I love it how when you wash your hands in a public restroom it will splash water all over your crotch making it look like you pissed on your pants. I love it because I did just piss myself.

Doctors only occasionally use the word "sick" to mean "awesome".

The CEO had his dick out and asked me, "How do you like working here?"

(I should probably mention he was at a urinal.)

Ides of March review:
A. Soap opera in suits.
B. Politicians are corrupt liars? Way to go out on a limb, Hollywood.
C. Too much Gosling, not enough Clooney.
D. Much like in politics, the eye candy gets the top billing, but the real work is being done by the two ugly dudes with beer bellies.

Answer: Go see Moneyball instead.

A poem to my lady

This year we made a baby,
I really enjoyed doing it,
Back when we used to do it,
Before we had the baby.


(Note how I used the classic ABBA rhyme scheme and how I rhymed the word "it" with the word "it" and the word "baby" with the word "baby". I'm a professional wordsmith.)

Wang wag: what happens when I jump up and down in these jogging pants.

I will do anything for love. I will do anything for love. I will do anything for love... but I won't shave that. Nooooooooo, I won't shave that.

Terrible Joke Saturday:

Do you know what is a great stalking stuffer? A knife.

It was a real whodunit. That is to say, "it" had poor grammar.

When I saw her standing there, waiting for me, I had butterflies in my stomach. Did I mention we were in a butterfly park? That made me even more nervous! What if they attack?!!!

You know how there are girls jogging pants that say "Juicy" on the ass. They should do the same for guy's jogging pants, only it would say "Gross".

Apparently Bill Gates named Microsoft's gaming console after the part of his first girlfriend he misses the most.

As you know, I'm a huge advocate of the codpiece. It's the one fashion item I actually care about and it needs a revival. Think about it, when two guys wearing codpieces get into an argument about who gets to hit on the hot chick at the bar, they can do like rams in mating season and butt codpieces to determine who gets the chance to mate.

Vancouverite beats up Shia LaBeouf. Tourism rises by 300%.