"I have to go do rounds."
Doctor or chubby chaser?

"This is your 5am wake up call."*
- Dangerbaby

*Note: Actually wording was "WAHHHHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHHHH"

I finally figured out beer commercials. They shot as if you are looking through beer goggles. There's a party everywhere you go and all the girls are hot and interested in you and your pants are bone dry.

Oh Dangerbaby, why do you need to wake up at 4am? Is because you resent my skills?

Unfortunate unintended pun: "Pencil me in for some sex tonight."

Unless you are a cannibal, the expression "battered wife" doesn't make any sense.

Let's stop using prejudiced and racist words.
Examples:
JEWDICIOUS "That lawyer is really jewdiscious with his money."
MANHOLE "Only a real man's man can enter a manhole."
BLACK "The Pontiac Aztek is black."

Car Show vs Top Gear
Top Gear has a huge budget, the most exotic cars, travels to all parts of the world vs. Adam Carolla's semi-racist jokes and John Salley for no reason. Car Show wins! And it's cancelled.

The elephant in the room was the big pile of elephant crap.

Stinkmare: When you fart yourself awake.

The game I play most since I've been on paternity leave is Call of Dooty.

Mirror, Mirror,
On the wall
Who is the stinkiest one of all?
Snookie? That makes sense.
Thank you, Mirror.

Conversation on Jersey Shore:
"Bro, I just, like, ran all the way here."
"Smell a mirror, Bro. You stink!"

What do Jesus, Santa, and the Easter Bunny have in common?
Super nice guys.

Actual comments from the peanut gallery:
"I'm salty."
"I'm usually rancid."
"Mr Peanut is the 1%."
"Spread me and eat me."

"If you can't take the heat, stay out of the fire"... or to put it another way "stay out of fire".

Its important to know that if you don't believe in God's eternal love, you will burn in hell for all eternity.

!00% of the people who say they give 110% will die.

Movies that sound dirty but aren't:
Deep Impact
The Russians are Coming, the Russians are Coming
My Giant
The Hammer
Buck
Midnight in Paris
Holes
Black Sheep
Norwegen Wood
There Will Be Blood

How many roads must a man walk down, before they call you a man... Wait! What? Get a job you hippie and buy a car.

Dangerbaby needs to learn how to walk off his poker loses.

Should I nap or play video games? Being a parent is hard!

The movie "Warrior" taught me that you can become an elite world-class athlete but ONLY IF YOU REALLY WANT IT.

This conversation really happened between a friend and his wife.

Wife: You are always playing Skyrim. You need to help out more with our kids.
Friend: I hear you and I promise, from this moment forward, I will not play any more side missions.
Wife: Thank you. That is all any woman could ask.*

*This is what I hope she said. In reality, she was probably just sad.

Dangerwife never has to ask me "What were you doing in the bathroom for so long?" She doesn't have to ask because she has a sense of smell.